*flash*

the past 3 years flashed while cutting wrapping dropping in boxes of pitless bottom.

*flash* the arrival: crappy hotel with vets i see in clinic the next day

*flash* moving in - to this house - and drowning everything in burgundy * my anonymous painting with the ugly silver marie antoinette frame * the feat of the couches * my first car and not being able to drive it out of the dealers' * first friendships * first enmities * first year claustrophobia while everyone else spent the nights away * night floating * running around floors forgetting to eat but loving it * flash flash flash * love * first year crushes despite the love * research disasters but somehow flying thru despite the bullshit * applications typing slaving interviewing * flash * on top - of the world * crash * bottomless pit (i just realized i wrote pitless bottom up there) * second year horror * misery * misery * climbing * forging tentative - now unbreakable bonds * eyes wide open that wanted to be shut * excruciating pain * smile smile smile - pain pain pain * world ticking and me hearing every tick * people - unforgettable people milling around * nights - what nights of wonder * taste of happiness and maturity through the haze * a maze of discovery of searching and finding * of the act of myself * conviction * moods * the - a connection * blossoming at end of second year * a new perspective * settling? is the future this easy? * no * drag drag drag * love? perhaps * or the love of the idea of love * TOO MUCH DRAGGING * enough * i saw a glimpse of what i want * but * it's not enough * difference i saw it the difference of cultures that cannot be breached * but appeasement of old pain * another nail to hammer the first nail out * i hammered them all out * peace * summer sun cedars new friends who are now old * third year * mellowing relaxing - too much * pedantic boring nauseating clinic work * photography * learning to be alone * now wanting to be alone the space the ease * a few ups a few downs * fun and more fun * growing depth * then came too comfortable, too routine * lazy late * flashes of pain but living and letting live * dancing drinking smoking reading writing socializing days on end * apathy then elation *
* what the hell is it that i'm doing * mistakes here and there * more mistakes which i can't understand but i continue to make * no guilt * this is too long but i can't stop it's flowing * this is home but i don't want to be home anymore * i can't shake the memories the people * we say we'll meet we'll talk not far forever * but how forever is forever * i've loved this shitty with its simple rustic bland life that shines a light on the beauty of everyday * that does not let you lose yourself * that is not impersonal and is now too personal * yet i feel it's time * to move away * flash * tears from a dear dear friend will make me bawl but i can't cry anymore * i want to skip goodbyes and go * i want to be mary poppins and snap my fingers and let the boxes be full * i'm being way too sentimental and i'm the only one who'll read this as it's cross-eyeing but i want to * will i come back? * maybe, we'll see * for now the city beckons * i need to get away * excited? yes. scared. slightly. *

*flash* my life stretches on the couch onto the resilient nameless plant then the tarkay painting of the women i sometimes think are more than just friends to the cards on my fridge from friends and past loves. my life climbs the window and touches the dimness of the red lights and slithers down into the bedroom to topple the books of pages unread and jumps on the pillow that has been smashed and squashed. it looks itself in the mirror then the full-length mirror and sees that it has changed. how when it doesn't know. but it's ready for more.