strange..

life is strange with its ups and downs and its so-so's
with its people too
and their priorities.
some people are driven to do whatever it is they want to do and do not stop to breathe. even in fun they are driven. they are driven to have fun. they have to fit "having fun" or "having a cup 'a' cawffee" into a schedule of days, in between priorities of work, class, gym, supermarketting and my favourite mysterious one, "chores". i have and will always have a problem with that. the american culture is so attuned to lists and priorities that i find it problematic to live here forever. it is probably a personality clash because i am anti-lists anti-PDAs anti-schedules and anti-first things first. since i have everflexible and in-flux priorities, and most of my friends are similar to me, i take it personally when someone puts off or reschedules or has to email me a "schedule" so we can "figure out" a time to "have fun". i forget that most people esp. most people in this country actually plan and organize the rest of their lives around that plan whereas i plan to plan but that never works out (like i planned to be cleaning the house now but an idea interfered). as i'm getting older i realize that it's all about goals and productivity. the american way of life is goal-oriented and tends to maximize productivity from that thing that keeps ticking away. that's why they are a superpower. and are a tremendous workforce. but the more i live here the more i rememember where i come from and why i want to go back. i am an extreme case of non-planliness non-goalliness and it is a spectrum i know but there are less people on my end of the spectrum here and it upsets me. it also brings out feelings of guilt when i realize that i have been "wasting time" for 2 months instead of studying for the boards, for example. but then the term "wasting time" is so superfluous and defined by modern day rapid turnover avalanchist western living. like what i am doing now.
i like to not plan. to not decide what i am going to wear until the morning of. depends on my mood. how can i plan that? i like to open my eyes on a saturday morning and not know what i will do for the rest of the day, but know that i have the WHOLE day, just like that. to do with whatever i feel like doing. and not what a way of life, a conformist way of life, says i have to do. others are happy planning organizing and feeling for a reason that i do not grasp because i am the way i am compelled to do it. fine. but i am NOT. (to a certain degree. afterall there are times when you have to do things and you have to study and cram and overnight and clean because we live in the real world). i like to be successful, don't get me wrong, but at what price? why a drive to be the best, to be the top-payed and all that, if you cannot look around and savour? i am questioning this wheel we hop on and which starts spinning you so fast that you forget that it has a brake.
so i rebel this way of life, this utter planliness and scheduleness and this guilt-feeling that i get so often. it is not a waste of time to drop your studying to read a novel, to think an idea unrelated to work and so out of the blue, to dream about a boyish smile and a glint, to have an "unplanned" phone conv abt nothing for an hour, but to laugh and laugh it all out. and i resent the "i'll send you my schedule so we can figure out a time/place/space for a cup'a'cawffee".
bleuuuuh!