silence

i don't know what to say. there are times in my life when i don't want to pick up the phone when i don't want to talk when i want to be left alone to be. when i would like to believe that it is all about me just about me about nothing else but me. noone else but me.
when i am out of spoken words utterred words feigned laughs mock expressions walking exclamations. out of breath. breathless.
when i feel i am different i am not partofitall - andiwanttobeleftalone.
i want to read there is so much left unread
i want to think my thoughts are all over the place and they refuse to be tamed
they run unfetterred by my discontent at having them run free
is this normal yes it is you know it is
but still
i want to write something beautiful and fill it with rhythms of unchanted scores, of skins that embrace burning bodies of words, of torching flags of wisdom - but for that i have to be wise. and i am not there yet.
i think of the day of each passing day and of how it passes. is this how a crazy woman feels - time wraps its gloved hands smoothly against her neck and smothers her sanity away.
and sometimes i think that i do not want to think. do not think of the uncomfortable silence. do not think of the glint in his eye. of the dimple. do not think of the pause. do not think of the things you should have said you should have done. let them bend. don't care. just don't care.
lay your head on the pillow and fall into it. sleep.