today was light. everyone was happy in headquarters. roberta was squealing with laughter. sharon smiled. there was a quiet, and it was not eerie. we exchanged words instead of nods. we even joked, funny jokes too, not the usual run-of-the-mill oh now i have to laugh i guess that was a joke. we bonded. we breathed. the pager slept in my pocket. i smiled today, genuinely. no elevator lady asked if i was angry. but the teenage orderly did ask (again) if i had candy, and when i did, he did not want any. i stole a small twix and a kitkat from the desk while writing. lunch.. tried an odwalla chocolate bar which did not taste like chocolate but was tasty. i thought that today felt normal. finally. i walked in the glistening maze and smiled to faces now familiar. i didn't care that they didn't smile back. there was an ease that went with my stride, my carrying of the coat today. i met their eyes and held and held until they looked away. i stirred the bad coffee with a syringe. tom winked "necessity is the mother of invention". V and M were tolerable, either i'm warming to them or they're warming to me, or we're all pretending. it doesn't matter what matters is that the dust is settling. and i slipped into myself. and i thought of how silly and ridiculously somber the world was yesterday. how could one teeter so much? hormones? pms? mood swings?
i had a godiva non-sweet hot chocolate in the sun behind the glass with K. starbucks but i could not resist the melting smell of the chocolate. we had a sweet time no pun intended ok yes it was. we did the rounds of the dept again and stated to each other opinions we had and we knew the other had, doing what thousands of us do each day, seek approval in the masses. we agreed on whom we liked or disliked, and who was smart (this has to figure always). who was shaky and who could be trusted, K scouring the cafe with his radar eyes and conspiracy-oriented ears. i told him i was physically exhausted but that i loved my job. and i meant it. he nodded and smiled the childish one.
then of course we redid the world. does one change a country through its politicians or through its people? he wants to help through here. i want to go back. rouba change comes from within. empires rise and fall. he is wise. i can feel that he will do what he wants to do, this man of boundless energy. change. change is difficult. where does one start. i would like to change things in my country but how. and what if the people do not want change. he shakes his head and crinkles his nose. you lay low and you start building slowly. you are too idealistic come ooon rouba! i've always found that idealism is the mother of cultural revolution but that i was too realistic to be idealistic. huh. maybe he's onto something. and the pager wakes up.
i leave k and godiva in the sun and enter the zone again. orders. poor intern takes the brunt.
and now i am sitting here on a friday night, alone at home with the tepid lipton and the pager - on call - and i feel well for the first time in a long time. i'm beginning to settle in this strange empty place where people care more about research than warmth.